I have recently returned home after a one week stay at the hospital. This was my first hospitalization and it was a very interesting experience. I can't say that it was either good or bad. I found support in many of the other patients, but didn't find very much help from the staff. I will refrain from saying where I stayed at, but I found it interesting that I was not asked to evaluate my stay when others were. I find myself to be a bit more vocalized than some others and I think that perhaps they realized that.
Coming home has been a wake up call. As I feared, I essentially was hiding from the situation out here, and everything was waiting for me when I came home, but I had hoped that I would be able to ease into the situations. Some I have been able to, some I haven't. Being a parent is not something that can be done part time, I realize now. Especially when the other parent works on the weekends. I do have alternative support, but it seems that they are only available at certain times and I am left to manage on my own when I don't feel that I have learned any real coping skills in the week that I was in the hospital. I am hoping that the Partial Hospitalization Program that I am now involved with will provide me with better skills, because I really need to find some coping skills. I have found that NAMI will be a big help and I am signed up for their peer to peer class starting in April. If you are someone diagnosed with a mental illness and live in the Kenosha/Racine area I highly recommend trying to get in to the class. It will be a huge benefit for your recovery. You can contact Luann or Lynelle at 262-637-6200. It is on Wednesdays from 1-3:30 pm in Racine from April 6th - June 8th. I hope to see you there.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Step One
The First step in addiction is That we admit we are powerless over debt (shopping) - That our lives have become unmanagable. I have to admit that this one is hard. I don't like being powerless over anything so I have to believe that I can get my power back, the question is how....maybe these steps will see the way.
Here are the questions that were posted:
1. What does it mean to be powerless over shopping that you are unable to manage life?
It means that I am in deep shit. That I am afraid to even leave my house, but even that is not enough because the internet now provides me with a means, though it is not instant gratification and that does help some. It means that I am letting some of my duties go to the wayside and forgetting about important things.
2. How far do you have to go to hit bottom? Do you shop alone so no one can see how much you are spending? Do you hide items so no one will know you you've been shopping?
I have to go pretty low. We filed bankruptcy this year because of my spending debt. I have a need that is like an awful scratch that must be itched, but instead I itch it until it bleeds. I prefer shopping alone or with my kids, they are good and don't say anything as long as I buy them something, which I fear is going to perpetuate the addiction to another generation. I do hide items, but my husband is observant as well as my mom so they usually catch me.
3. Have you ever felt like trying to use self will to control your shopping is like trying to put a fire out with gasoline? Explain.
YES!!!! When my cards were taken away, the urge became 10 times worse. I feared that I would actually need something and not have the money for it....No that is not true. I feared that I would find something that I believed I absolutely had to have - like an amazing pair of boots that were on sale for an unbeatable price and I wouldn't be able to get them.
There you have it. I am powerless. Don't like it, won't stand for it, but I have to figure out how to get the power back. Check back next Monday for step 2
Here are the questions that were posted:
1. What does it mean to be powerless over shopping that you are unable to manage life?
It means that I am in deep shit. That I am afraid to even leave my house, but even that is not enough because the internet now provides me with a means, though it is not instant gratification and that does help some. It means that I am letting some of my duties go to the wayside and forgetting about important things.
2. How far do you have to go to hit bottom? Do you shop alone so no one can see how much you are spending? Do you hide items so no one will know you you've been shopping?
I have to go pretty low. We filed bankruptcy this year because of my spending debt. I have a need that is like an awful scratch that must be itched, but instead I itch it until it bleeds. I prefer shopping alone or with my kids, they are good and don't say anything as long as I buy them something, which I fear is going to perpetuate the addiction to another generation. I do hide items, but my husband is observant as well as my mom so they usually catch me.
3. Have you ever felt like trying to use self will to control your shopping is like trying to put a fire out with gasoline? Explain.
YES!!!! When my cards were taken away, the urge became 10 times worse. I feared that I would actually need something and not have the money for it....No that is not true. I feared that I would find something that I believed I absolutely had to have - like an amazing pair of boots that were on sale for an unbeatable price and I wouldn't be able to get them.
There you have it. I am powerless. Don't like it, won't stand for it, but I have to figure out how to get the power back. Check back next Monday for step 2
onionmania
Onionmania, you say? It actually is the addiction to shopping and I have it, bad. Asked anyone around me. I begged my husband to take away my debit cards and then snuck behind his back and wrote a check for cash. I can't control it. They say that is the way with addiction, but I am not going to just sit back and let this thing rule me. I am capable and should be able to leave my house without being afraid of my car turning into a shopping parking lot "against my will." So today, I am starting a 12 step program. I guess it is a lot like that for AA but we will focus on shopping. I hooked up with this website that has a support group on it and invited friends and family and even my therapist to watch me grow. It's called http://www.dailystrength.org. I'm under the shoppaholic group. So once a week I am going to come on here and answer questions that this one woman posts that goes with each step. It's gonna be brutal and honest. So be prepared.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Hypomania! Hypomania! Hypomania!
What is that? Well, it is a toned down version of the mania that we feel. I don't have great moments of grandose or hallucinations, no voices, but the thoughts are racing, my fingers are flying and I am pacing. My list of things to do is a mile long and I am doing everything I can to avoid my manic triggers - the main one is SHOPPING! My husband took away my credit cards and atm card, per my request, but I caught myself yesterday, getting around that by digging out that dusty old check book and writing myself a check. Can you believe it? I don't even have the control to keep from getting the money. Really the only safe way is to stay in my house and not go anywhere. Funnel the energy and urges into productive things...my mother would say to clean, but that is just not my thing. Instead I am writing and on Facebook trying to make a go at my business. I am still having a hard time because my mind changes direction before I even finish typing a sentence. OK. Refocus. I have things to do, parties to book and a party to prep for....so there I am hyper....Lets add some coffee to it too!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Who am I and why am I qualified?
Who am I? That is an interesting question. I'm not a doctor or a therapist, but I do have over 20 years of experience in the field of psychology, the first five in clinical depression and the rest in Bipolar Disorder. I am educated. I have an undergraduate degree and a masters degree, both of which I completed while I was raising children. But none of that tells you who I am. This will - I am Robin Rhodes, age 33, diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 18, gave birth to a little boy at the age of 23 who then was diagnosed with pediatric bipolar five years later after over a year of me yelling and screaming at friends, family and doctors that my little boy needed meds to live. I cannot work in the corporate world for more than a few months at a time and then need to take an equal amount of time away. But does that make me worthless? I don't think so. Does it make me dependent. It sure as hell does. Do I like it? Sometimes. Who doesn't want to be able to give up for a while, especially when you are in a deep dark black hole with slippery sides and no matter how many times you try to climb out on your own, you never will. Hell, half the time it takes a group of people creating a chain, linking arm in arm and sliding halfway into the hole with me to drag me up and usually by then, I am kicking and screaming because I have finally found a comfortable place to lay in the mud and refuse.
To this day it amazes me there are people still around who want to link hands and get dirty all for the sake of seeing my face again. My best friend's response is "For Christ's sake, Robin, we like you, we want to see you. Of course we hang around." My question back is always, "Why?" Maybe someday she'll answer my question or maybe its just that she doesn't know.
So am I qualified? I've been to hell and back a few times. Those people I call my chain? They have kept me from going too far. Thank who ever is above that I have never spent a night in a hospital because of my sanity. They all believe it would only worsen my condition, but I have tried suicide. I have cut myself, carved my ankles, wrists and other body parts. I've spent hundreds of dollars in a few hours and the only reason I stopped then is because my credit cards wouldn't let me go any further. I have driven at over 100 mph and not been at the track. My life is a miracle. Is it fair? Hell no. I should have died dozens of times by now and others who were blessings to this world are long gone. But life isn't fair I guess, so we go until we're called back, or some shit like that.
So why am I doing this? I'm a writer. It's that simple and so much more complicated. Perhaps I am doing it to allow someone out there a chance to say, I can so survive better than you or maybe say, I am not alone. Or maybe its more selfish. Maybe I am daring someone to say, really? get off your lazy ass and get some work. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. What ever the reason, I'm doing and your not. What's that say about you?
To this day it amazes me there are people still around who want to link hands and get dirty all for the sake of seeing my face again. My best friend's response is "For Christ's sake, Robin, we like you, we want to see you. Of course we hang around." My question back is always, "Why?" Maybe someday she'll answer my question or maybe its just that she doesn't know.
So am I qualified? I've been to hell and back a few times. Those people I call my chain? They have kept me from going too far. Thank who ever is above that I have never spent a night in a hospital because of my sanity. They all believe it would only worsen my condition, but I have tried suicide. I have cut myself, carved my ankles, wrists and other body parts. I've spent hundreds of dollars in a few hours and the only reason I stopped then is because my credit cards wouldn't let me go any further. I have driven at over 100 mph and not been at the track. My life is a miracle. Is it fair? Hell no. I should have died dozens of times by now and others who were blessings to this world are long gone. But life isn't fair I guess, so we go until we're called back, or some shit like that.
So why am I doing this? I'm a writer. It's that simple and so much more complicated. Perhaps I am doing it to allow someone out there a chance to say, I can so survive better than you or maybe say, I am not alone. Or maybe its more selfish. Maybe I am daring someone to say, really? get off your lazy ass and get some work. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. What ever the reason, I'm doing and your not. What's that say about you?
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